It's Okay; The Voicing Of Things Long Unspoken Due To Lack Of Words And Insufficient Growth

It's okay. It's okay... It's okay. It's... okay. I hear people tell themselves that a lot. Why? I never understood. Repeating things to myself, especially out loud, never changed my mindset. Yet, as I sit here, I find myself saying it. The words just keep spilling out of my mouth against my will. Weird. It usually takes something pretty powerful to make me speak, let alone say something I would never say. I... am hurt but at peace, longing but still, shaky but somehow stable. Every step is strange this year, these kind being the strangest. I hear these words: stick around. What does that mean? Shoot. Good question. While I am incredibly patient and good at waiting, it does not change how I like to move on. God just keeps trying to teach me more and more on this one. Do not give it up, do not put it all out. Just wait. Hmmmm. Be still and know that you are God? Yeah, yeah. I know you just reminded me of that one. You made me still amongst the chaos. You caught my attention... in a really powerful way You only use when something is important. Then I heard. Stick around. *sigh* It is hard. I believe there is an equality between the pain felt when hurt and the emotion, thought, and overall energy that goes into something. In simpler terms... If you love someone +100 then losing that love hurts +100. Make sense? Sure. Why not? So why does it not hurt? For once can I just have one answer? I am not bitter or angry. I am just tired. This stillness You give me, this peace that belongs to You. Why does it only comfort and drive? Why does it not answer the simplest question? You have plans? I know
You have plans. Can I not I just rest? Is there no way for us to just come to a rest stop on this infernal highway of growth? These questions have built up. I know that. So here I voice them. God help me. I am so hopeful, so disgustingly optimistic, You give me so much faith. But to learn at this rate... For You to do something that so greatly glorifies you through me, must it be so difficult. I am tired. I am tired. I am... tired. There are no tears. Only scrapes through the dirt as I crawl, face turned up to the sky. No matter what I do I cannot look away. If I do I only realize in that one second that all I desire is to look back. So I crawl on. Lord, how much longer. Yes, my hardships fail in comparison to that of some... but something deep inside naggs me saying it will be harder than I can comprehend. Am I reminded of that now? Yeah. I am. I see the connection. Wait. Stick around. Be patient. Be a presence and not a word. You do that for me. That is why you are the love of my life. Because there is nothing you won't do for me. Man, I suck. I am so inadequate. Yet through Your Son I am more than overflowing. With all of my heart, all of my heart, I love you. Please give me even a little more strength. Just enough to be still. I miss that when it isn't here. The more I experience it, the more restless it seems I become without it. Stick around. I will do my best. No, I will let You be my best.
You know that joy that you can feel overflowing? The kind that makes you sense the glow coming from you? I feel that when I look at you. Is that right? I hate it. But this time my pain... it isn't +100. It is more like +50. Not a chance. You are stupid. You are ugly inside and out. You can never be adequate. Ha. Maybe I don't hate it so much. I think I might just... stick around.

Old New Stuff

Posted some stuff from my myspace I wanted to save. It might be a page or two back. Begins with "Always With The Bats In The Belfry" and ends with "Pick Up Lines" in June. Just one of the many steps in parting from the disgrace known as myspace... Now if I could only get those obsessive myspacers to become facebookers. Yes, yes, precious. Soon now it will all be over.

In Waiting Is Where I Find My Silence: Self Evaluation

"I'm searching the stars in desperate hours, bound to find meaning. God show me a face, in this desolate place and tenderness meets me." ... ... ... One of those songs I cannot help but close my eyes and listen to sometimes. It reminds me of how much I am loved, how much I am cared for, how much I am protected... and by default... how much I hurt. Always I fall short. God, it hurts. So much I do not know what to do with myself... So I wait. I wait until love finds me. The love of God manifests itself in many ways. Through my friendships, my family, that person I can sense an absolute joy in life radiating from in the street. We will just leave out relationships. They hurt. Yet as much as it hurts to know how inadequate I am, I have something I do not deserve. I am not second choice, I am not that one girl, I am not the abused one, I am not ugly, I am not self-conscious, I am not always guessing, I am not confused, I am not misunderstanding or misunderstood, I am not sad, I am not unfaithful, I am not struggling, I am not worried, I am not restless, I am not tired, and I am not dead. I am... loved. I am the child with the perfect Father. Sometimes I wish my thinking could stay this simple. But I hurt. I say we will leave out relationships, but if there is one article that needed stitching... It is a wound not easily healed. It kills me but I let my Father keep it open. I struggle to let Him keep it open, so that one day someone with a quiet gentle hand might reach over, and with the love of God manifested in him, heal it. Man, I promised myself I would not cry. Well, not really. I cry all the time. One of those things that keeps it open. For now all I have is salt in the cut. And it gets pushed deeper and deeper with every passing week. It is OK I suppose. Again, how else can I keep it open? What other method other than keeping my pain on the surface can I wait for healing? If I bury it becomes bitter and if I search out a band-aid it only masks what truly lies beneath.
"And there you can hear a whispering tear that speaks into our loneliness." It always feels nearest, deep in my soul, when I feel God nearest. I know it is OK to wait. It is OK to hurt for now. It is a season in my life. It will pass. Maybe not now or even the very near future, but it will pass. I have faith my Father will not fail me. Everything that happens happens for a reason. Every person that crosses my path has a purpose to teach and show me something I have never known before.
If he is reading this, if he even gets what I am saying or knows who he is... maybe he does not care... Thank you. You have given me through your faith peace and kept my wound open just a little longer. It makes no sense someone I am hardly attached to can have such an incredible impact on me, but you have.
"Can you just feel the time falling from someplace new? Can you just feel the sign, love waits for you?"
Love waits for you.

The Moon Is A Giant Firework; It'll Explode Someday

This has been a season of processing. A season of recognizing the past, learning from its ridiculous immaturities (I just made that a word) and face-rockin' times, and moving on to what I know to be a once again better future in the presence of my God. Except I am still stuck here at home. Not in Portland. Not in school. Not with money. I have a job, it just pays very little. Pell Grant application here I come. It kills me knowing God is pulling me somewhere and not being there. Hmph, it really is all in His time.
Stress does things to you. In the end it makes me value the calm and peace I can only find in very specific situations: with God, in music and other forms of worship, with God, looking into the setting sun and the glorious stars in the sky, with God, in meeting and talking with new people, with God, and with this one person which is really weird and I don't understand it and, frankly, it scares the living tar out of me and it should just be left where it is so I can avoid it some more and continue to wallow in my constant state of confusion. So what do these all have in common? God! He is present (and He is just like a really cool present) in all of them! Woo! We have a winner! So I come back to simply trusting Him. Simply but complexly. Heh, wouldn't it be nice... Isn't that a song?
In all this reminiscing I discovered I came from an alien spaceship and my brother, Reegan, was not far behind. They will be back someday to save us from the moon. It will explode. Did you think this title was for show?
My relationships are a mess. A neat mess, I might add. I guess to rebuild you must tear down and leave some behind. I cried about it. Yep. That is right. I. Cried. About. It. Probably about 3 times now. Tonight the most, though. I was shaking. Some of you know what that means. And for those of you don't? Well, why don't you hang around more? Weirdos.
Maybe some of the crying wasn't for relationships... I think maybe fear. If there is one thing I have learned it is that fear causes the greatest destruction of all. It makes people run, push others away, creates bitterness, drives some into madness, and so much more. I think a running person is by far the most frightening. Ever run in to someone who has become aggressive over their fear? They protect it with all their might so you won't see their wound. I have a character in one of my stories. His name is Casper (no not the friendly ghost...) His best friend does something very bad when they are young and then runs. When Casper is prepared, he chases. He chases for years until he finds his friend. Without hesition he runs to him and grabs on. But the fear that has filled this boy for so many years causes a struggle. He struggles so hard that he completely immobilzes Casper and then runs once again. Casper...he still chases. Never does he give up. No matter how many times he is bitten in an attempt to heal the wound, he always reaches back, calmly and gently as ever.
I want to be that. I want to be that quiet and calm that no matter how many times someone tries to hurt me, I can see through their fear, straight into their heart, and reach back again. By God's Spirit may I have this understanding. May I be able to find someone to share this with. Someone who understands not with words, for how can one ever communicate with words the power and love behind true healing? Man, I long for that wordless love. Someday. Now I will only dig deeper into my Father and learn all He has for me. As long as He is my eyes, my hands, my feet, my heart, mind, and soul I can never fail. Now if only I could trust Him that much all the time...
Well, chillins (ewe, I just used that term), I believe it is past my bedtime. Sleep well and prosper.

A Place Of Peace In A World Of Stone

Tonight I play. As the city crumbles beneath my feet, my friends die, losing their lives forever, I will cling to His Word. Looking up at these stars, my guitar in my hand, I wish nothing more than to be engulfed in the light of my Savior. Walking forward tonight... may mean my death. I will gladly die for this opportunity to reach them. I feel You. Closing my eyes overwhelms me with your presence. You turn this dim alley into a street of gold. This door has always been familiar. Is it not how you intended it? Passing these people, drinking their lives away... fighting everything that can save them. Strip away their fear. Give them authority by your name. Jesus.
The lights illuminating my skin are darkness compared to the power you possess. Will you not reach down and shine through me one last time? This pick... these strings... this stool... these faces... always so familiar. Your music flows through me. It is by Christ alone that my hope is found. By Christ alone.
They come. They have been waiting for some time, turning blind in the darkness. His name is not tolerated here. Still I will sing of it. The light reached some of them. You can take my instrument. You can steal my voice. But you cannot kill Him. Even as they humiliate me by dragging me across this floor I have worn myself, a smile still reaches its way to the surface. Did you see their faces? They knew. They saw.
I laugh. They grip my hair and force me to the ground. My eyes and spirit only soften more. Why would I steal your chance at freedom to save myself? I would gladly suffer at your hands if it meant you would see. Anger flows from them as they lead me through blackness. If they could turn around they would know. Turn around.
You are breaking my bones... my blood creates a river along the pavement. But you will not prevail like this. Your fear is showing you hatred. How much more power there is in love! Will you not stop? Continue to beat me. See the truth, I pray. My consciousness is fading. Light begins to leave my eyes. Their mockery echoes in my mind, but I hear none of their words. Just the words of my King. No guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me. Jesus commands my destiny.
They go. It all seems so... distant. Of all the wars I have fought, the many battles I led, there is a peace in this moment I could not find then. Only by pure sacrifice will You be seen. May You be glorified, my God.

The Name Fell Out Of The Back Of My Mind... No Really. Where Is It?

I am... restless. It would seem words are endless, but forming them into sentences proves harder than desired... or needed. I think all my bad luck is coming from not reposting or resending texts and such. You know those forwards... "I will kill you tonight if you don't stand on your head in the next 10 minutes". Yeah... those ones. I suppose looking back now I had no idea what I intended to write in this blog. Yet it will still say that I wrote it 100 years before I actually did. Stupid drafts I let sit forever. This one didn't even say enough for me to expand on it... I am very content in my new job. Guest Coordinator at Alton Collins Retreat Center. Translation? Working with beautiful people in a beautiful place. Ok, ugly ones, too. Not only that, but I will also be able to move to Portland come the end of the year. Really it has only taken a year of falling on my face over and over and over and over to figure out where God wanted me. I think that is pretty good considering. Darn, this is weird music. I need to get something to listen to. This job is cool. Hey, did I mention I really like this job? How about how beautiful it is down here? Did I tell you that? And that I get to work with people? Yeah, it's that cool. More acurately, it is that much of a miracle and a blessing in my life. Maybe I will make that the definition of cool. Sure. That sounds like a great idea. Guess I am still a little restless. Now that things are moving I should sleep better, though. If my mind isn't occupied enough hours of the day... sheesh, I go nuts. It is like my brain punishes me for not challenging it by stealing my sleep. You know I am very particular about capitals and such. So pay attention when I capitalize and don't. There is always a reason. Anyway, I have no idea what I am talking about or saying... soooooo.... k, bye!

I Loath Poetry

An expression
Too much for words
Too little to matter
A penny for my thoughts? Hmph...
Sure
Why not?
I would sit in the dark and suffer confusion
For just a bit of time
Stupid
Immature
Calm
Relaxed
No?
...No?
I won't look away
Not like usual
Afraid?
Yes
Always more and more
But only of this
I cannot even ask if he is the one to stop it
Too much hurt to put on the front lines
Wondrous, God's plan
Making you wonder and all
Suddenly there is no one there
Help?
I pray someone will wrap their arms around
Wrap them around and not let go
So what if I make a weird face
Or push away
Am unresponsive
I might cry
If they held on long enough
If I knew
If they knew
Healing comes
Broken
Weak
Faint
Slow
Blind
Paralyzed
Dead
I am this
Flight
Strength
Foundation
Speed
Sight
Movement
Life
All these things He is for me
As we wait
Yes
As we wait
Yes
The answers come
As we wait