In Waiting Is Where I Find My Silence: Self Evaluation

"I'm searching the stars in desperate hours, bound to find meaning. God show me a face, in this desolate place and tenderness meets me." ... ... ... One of those songs I cannot help but close my eyes and listen to sometimes. It reminds me of how much I am loved, how much I am cared for, how much I am protected... and by default... how much I hurt. Always I fall short. God, it hurts. So much I do not know what to do with myself... So I wait. I wait until love finds me. The love of God manifests itself in many ways. Through my friendships, my family, that person I can sense an absolute joy in life radiating from in the street. We will just leave out relationships. They hurt. Yet as much as it hurts to know how inadequate I am, I have something I do not deserve. I am not second choice, I am not that one girl, I am not the abused one, I am not ugly, I am not self-conscious, I am not always guessing, I am not confused, I am not misunderstanding or misunderstood, I am not sad, I am not unfaithful, I am not struggling, I am not worried, I am not restless, I am not tired, and I am not dead. I am... loved. I am the child with the perfect Father. Sometimes I wish my thinking could stay this simple. But I hurt. I say we will leave out relationships, but if there is one article that needed stitching... It is a wound not easily healed. It kills me but I let my Father keep it open. I struggle to let Him keep it open, so that one day someone with a quiet gentle hand might reach over, and with the love of God manifested in him, heal it. Man, I promised myself I would not cry. Well, not really. I cry all the time. One of those things that keeps it open. For now all I have is salt in the cut. And it gets pushed deeper and deeper with every passing week. It is OK I suppose. Again, how else can I keep it open? What other method other than keeping my pain on the surface can I wait for healing? If I bury it becomes bitter and if I search out a band-aid it only masks what truly lies beneath.
"And there you can hear a whispering tear that speaks into our loneliness." It always feels nearest, deep in my soul, when I feel God nearest. I know it is OK to wait. It is OK to hurt for now. It is a season in my life. It will pass. Maybe not now or even the very near future, but it will pass. I have faith my Father will not fail me. Everything that happens happens for a reason. Every person that crosses my path has a purpose to teach and show me something I have never known before.
If he is reading this, if he even gets what I am saying or knows who he is... maybe he does not care... Thank you. You have given me through your faith peace and kept my wound open just a little longer. It makes no sense someone I am hardly attached to can have such an incredible impact on me, but you have.
"Can you just feel the time falling from someplace new? Can you just feel the sign, love waits for you?"
Love waits for you.