Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Attention: Jerryn Johnston

It is bill day. Well, actually that was yesterday. But I am doing them today because there are not many this time of year. I like paying bills... At least the one's for Collins. My own bills... I guess I like those, too. It is good to take care of what needs taking care of. Accomplishment. It is what we all long for.

Monday, December 21, 2009

When You Come Back Again, Would You Bring Me Something Back From The Fridge

Last night I viewed the final episode of Cowboy Bepob. It still does not thoroughly impress me, nor do I care to watch it again any time soon. In fact, the despairing feeling it brought to me is something I still cannot shake. To see a character in his last days still never find the peace and hope he searched for in his life reminded me of the sorrow surrounding every day for so many people. It reminded me of why God has given me the ability to create what I have. He has given me a message. A message of love and grace that can only be found in Jesus Christ. Urgency seemed for so long to drive what is now sitting, and it is time I heeded that urgency. Our time here is so short so why do we sit around in our pain instead of taking action? Are we really that focused on our own self-preservation? Curse our lack of motivation. I don't know about you, but I am getting up. Even if it kills me, I will see joy replace the loss of hope in this world. Even is just one person is changed... so be it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Winter May Have You Depressed, But I Might As Well Be Sun Bathing

It is strange to think this time last year I was trudging through the snow to work with nothing but a jacket and my uniform. I was colder then than I am now. Having been kicked out of my house for finally standing up to my Dad... changed everything. I think it changed me more than it changed him. Today, living there seems like a completely different life. Yeah, things are rough sometimes, but I can actually have discussions with my Father and not afraid of the outcome. Fear has driven so much of my life...
To me it is odd this last year, half the people I know now I had no idea even existed. And of all places to feel a desire to be, Portland was the last on my list. God's funny that way.
This time last year, I was confused and unclear... This time this year... I am still confused about the same things. Though one thing has changed. Even though I dread the aftermath and do not understand the beginning, I can jump with both feet first. Christ is my rock, and if He is my rock, nothing can shake me.
It is strange to think it has been so long. Made to believe I was beautiful inside and out I responded with honesty. But those things never last do they. At least that is what I have heard. It is hard to think two people's recollection can be so distant and different. But this year God has finally taken that place. He has always made me most joyous. Now it has sunk in deep. It dwells in the parts of my heart where the rusted doors have finally been made clean.
Now I work. I will work tirelessly until my work is done. Whatever it is you have for me Lord, even though they tell me I cannot, even though I am confused and afraid, I trust you will pave the way for me. In that lies my confidence. In that will I always believe.