I've Been In Hiding

First things first. Deliver Me and Coming Toward [in consecutive order] by David Crowder.

I am letting go. Of everything. It feels like an epiphany. Maybe it is. Or not. That is how I think lately. It all spins around in confusion, but I can still see the answer. But this time instead of reaching down and taking it myself, God is doing it for me. I hate the feeling. Well, my self does. My spirit... is free. For the first time in my state of chaos, Christ is being my direction. Even though my body is always tired, always weighed down, always dysfunctional, my heart is finally right. I know how to let go. Sure it makes me a little crazy, but... it is like learning to ride.
First all I can do is be led. Then he takes my hands and places them on the reins, showing me how to apply pressure and direct the animal. Soon he lets me out on a long line.
"Close your eyes and hold out your arms," he tells me. "Trust me. It will be okay."
After numerous times of reaching down and grabbing the saddle, trusting in myself and what I can see, I try to let go of my fear for just a second and leave my arms up. My confidence builds. "Have faith, and I will help you," He says. I know He is right.
Soon he takes me off the long line and let's me have control.
"Remember what I have taught you, " He reminds me. I look forward, eyes focused, not listening to anything but the movement of my animal. As I move forward, I forget what is was like to have faith. I look down and then hit the ground.
"Get up," he tells me.
I get back on. Pain shoots through my body. The ground hit hard. Again and again, I focus myself, but to no avail. This time I fall and I cannot get up. My instructor reaches down to pick me up and put me back on.
I cry, "No God! No more! I need rest."
"Rest? Am I not your rest?" He questions. I look away. He reaches down to pick me up once more. Tears stream down from the pain, but His touch... its healing convinces me to press on. Now moving forward I can hardly hold myself up, let alone focus. Then I remember: Close your eyes... Trust me. So I close my eyes. Slowly I am able to straiten my broken body. My confidence returns. Though I can still feel the hurt, though my being is riddled with incurable disease, I smile. It started out small, then grew into laughter. I still couldn't think nor could I probably even walk. But I felt as though I was flying. "Spirit guide me, " I pray, "Direct me even when my paths are unclear. Teach me in the confusion. Break my body so I might understand how to heal. All these things in the name of Your Son, the only One who can save, Jesus."

That is what this is like. If you have never learned to ride, you should. Even if you hate animals, it would teach you a lot. God has taught me more about how people work through wild/abused horses than anyone else ever has. I can begin to grasp people's misunderstanding. I can feel compassion for people who do not deserve it. I can feel. In this world, that is a miracle in itself. I hear my Savior's words. I pray they will always follow me.

"Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41