Resolutionary Commitment

It is fading now
The departure long awaited
Has come
In it new air arises
And sweeps through the hair of my new beginning
Love looks a little different
And time a little softer
The sun climbs over my dark horizon
And it's rays blaze through my frozen heart
My steps are slowed
The music begins to resonate
I can almost hear it now
I close my eyes to await its arrival
Quietly
A caressing light brushes the grass beneath me
And I am thankful
I am letting go
So I may finally find
Safety and rest await
The darkness can no longer resist the light
For once I find I want this
For once my heart knows
It flows with the brooke at my side
Trickling over and beyond the stones
To the hope that never existed before
And I am thankful

I am letting go

Confessions: Part II

I like to cuddle.

Post- Valentine's Day

It's Beautiful by Eleventyseven

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together
Fallen short and faded out
You keep making gardens in this desert
Despite the grace that I dismiss
Forgiveness was the catalyst
To penetrate my heart with what is true

It's Beautiful
You could turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's Beautiful

Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted
I'm asking You to shape my heart
I want to be Your work of art
Cause when You change me
And make me more like You

It's Beautiful
You could turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's Beautiful

So help me God forbid
And never take for granted
This endless gift You give

It's Beautiful
You could turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's Beautiful
It's Beautiful

It's Beautiful

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together

Listening to this now after almost 2 years blows me away. God is so incredible. For the first time ever I am finding myself truly soft-hearted. This fear that has gripped me so long is fading away. All this time I have said I was looking, that I needed a persistent one to come along, that he had to reach out to me. Funny thing is, it happened. And guess what I did? I pushed him away. If you don't let anyone in you don't get hurt. That is how I rolled... with out even knowing it. Now my vision is a little different. If I want someone to put their heart on the line for me, I must be willing to do the same myself.

This true love, the kind that is an example of Christ's love for the church, the kind that lays everything on the line, I want it. And I am willing to face my greatest fears for it. So I am a little clumsy and a little relationship stupid (okay a lot relationship stupid). But I want to be better for you, whoever you are.

This Post-Valentine's Day God allowed me to lay more down for you. My heart belongs to you and you alone.

And I think for the first time I am ready to give it.

Top 10 Love Songs

Celebratory of Post- Valentine's Day.

1. She Cries by East West

2. It's Beautiful by Eleventyseven

3. Angel In The Night by Basshunter

4. A Little More by Skillet

5. Don't Stop Believing by Journey

6. Yours To Hold by Skillet

7. God Gave Me You by Dave Barnes

8. Love Addict by FF5

9. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) by Journey

10. Hey Now by FM Static

Forest Fire

There it was. A forest fire. He saw it, I called 911. Funny thing was, I never would have seen it. I was too busy at trying to find some stars and look at the moon. All the signs were there. Smoke, ashes, even the orange glow of the flames on the trees. It was just a little to far out of my peripheral. At first, it looked like a controlled burn, but out here in all the trees? No.

The embers were so bright.

It reminded me of our friendship. Originally I approached him thinking he looked like he needed someone to talk to. But the reality of it is, he has helped me more in this short time than I could ever help him. His support to me is the kind I believed existed in my mind, but never believed existed in my heart. Now I know what it looks like to be real friends with someone like that. Instead of fumbling around in the dark, I am fumbling around in the light. It is a stepping stone monumental to my life and a gift of a friendship I never want to lose.

He has spotted the biggest fire in my life. One I didn't even know how to find. Now I might be able to break free of this weight, climb out of this pit I have rested in so much of my life. God is good, and I hope and pray the Lord gives me faith so I will not fall.

Confessions: Part I

I have given up on caring about my car singing. It sucks and it is loud. I hope you like it.

Love songs. They are some of my favorite.

As soon as spring hits: Flowers. In my hair. All the time.

The sight of children now makes me smile. Don't ask. I don't know.

I have cussed my equipment out at work. My patience has abounded with it since. ;)

Sometimes I feel invisible. At times it is like a superpower and other times it just hurts.

I am looking. For real this time. The barriers are strong, but I want to fight through them.

If I were to tell the unhindered truth, without any reservation... I hope your around for a while. You are pretty cool. Perhaps there was reservation in that. I am working on it.

The Dream

Disclaimer: The quality of writing in this blog may be detrimental to your health. Read with caution.

It was on the beach. A convention, it felt like. A Christian convention minus the Christians. At least serious ones. We sat in a giant theater. Bleachers took the place of padded seats and concrete warehouse walls faded to nothing in the front. A starry night sky and white waves were visible through the opening. My Mom sat a row or two below. By the wayside a group of guys stood. They felt as if they had known each other for quite some time. A couple had beers, a couple cigarettes, and they all talked carelessly except one who stayed quiet. He was one of them, but appeared preoccupied by another matter. None of his friends seemed to notice save one who leaned over from his beer to encourage him. Before I knew it the boy from the group was sitting next to me asking me on a date. But he asked knowing I made a commitment to do no such thing... So he waited and sat with me. Two more times he asked, each time appearing physically different. One with dark hair, one with red, another with a unique color, all sitting in separate locations. Finally, the last time I saw him he stood 5 or 6 bleachers up. His hipster dress and shoulder length red hair faded quickly away when I saw his eyes. Big oceans of purple, sad, determined, and full of peace. It was then I knew. He was the one. So much peace filled me I could not describe. I knew he was going away. We both knew. But it was okay, because we knew each other now.

And that was enough.