I cried today. Well, actually that was yesterday. But I have wanted to write that line for the past 4 or 5 days. Work was the culprit. The indirect culprit, I suppose. You see, I have this fear of spiders. They make me cringe. I have had dreams where I faced death and the Anti-Christ and had complete confidence then turn around to close my eyes before sleep, get an image of a spider in my mind, and have to force myself to close my eyes so I can fall asleep.
There is a mosquito eater dying in the window sill. I feel bad. It cannot fly any longer. Wouldn't that be horrible? To fly all your life and then die, losing your ability to fly?
Anyway, I was on a ladder cleaning double pane windows and this 50 cent piece size black spider crawled out of a pool of cleaner next to my head. It didn't take long for me to jump off the ladder. After composing myself enough to knock the hideous creature down from its deathbed, I moved on to the next window. As I was dusting it out this really weird leaf floated down. I bumped it with the duster toward the edge of the balcony and it looked kind of like it rolled... kind of. But... were those legs? In its stationary state it appeared to be a leaf... So I bumped it again. This time it shot open into this giant spider and started coming after me. Rather than try to kill an aggressive spider I decided backing away quickly was a good choice. After about 10 feet it dropped between two slats of wood in the floor. Being rather freaked out I tried to convince myself to continue cleaning. I have never had to clean where there is no escape from these little devils. There is always a back door, a hallway, or something of the sort.
As self-discipline debated with fear I looked up to see a spider twice the size of the first repairing its web I had broken while opening the window. This is the part where I cried. I was so frightened I felt weak inside and my chest hurt for 3 hours afterward. No matter how hard I tried I could not compose myself and I could not go back. You may think it's stupid, but this is my greatest fear. I think now that I write it down, it had more to do with being trapped and having no escape from one of the only things that truly strike fear in my heart. In Christ I always have a confidence, and escape, a healing from the"little devils" in my life. I didn't this time. I was on my own. God forbid I am ever separated from him.
Haha. You cheesy lessons, you. You big hunk of person, you.
The first reason I cried? Hmmm.... In a word: convictions. Over the past few weeks on and off I have been disgusted with myself at times for following a conviction to speak to someone. Over and over I remind myself of the scripture I heard and past events where the same has occurred.The difference is in the past I have had positive responses...or maybe an acknowledging response would be a better way to put it. This did not happen the last time around. So with this persons disagreement in what I have told them, what the Spirit has been screaming at me for months, I wondered if I was wrong. Was I wrong to speak? I did not question what I was told or where I heard it, only if I was wrong in speaking it.
Then Jon died. Every time I saw him I thought I should ask him if he wanted to hang out. I knew he struggled. It was so easy to see in his eyes. But I never did. Then he killed himself. He killed himself. Now I will never see him again. Never have the chance to start a conversation, to let him know someone else cared. God cared. I cared. I don't know why it hit me when it did, but on the way to see my horse I cried. I couldn't stop. I wanted to pet my horse. That would calm me. Then I could pray, have peace. I thought again of the person I had spoken to. The reason I was fighting this gut sick feeling. Then I thought of Jon. What does it mean to neglect to speak into someone's life? To neglect to follow the Spirit? I have been praying for peace, for health in my emotions. This disease was distracting me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It jumped me when I least expected it and attacked my thoughts, my heart Christ is so slowly but surely rebuilding. I don't feel sick anymore. I don't feel ashamed. I am now standing on the ledge of confidence I was hanging from by one finger a moment ago, looking forward with Christ as my Rock, my Wings, my Bungee Cord, my Sight, and my Guidance. Nothing can separate me from His love and nothing can snatch me from His hand.
I have grown again this week. I am learning to be separate from the world. To be persecuted with joy. I am learning to let people think I am wrong and smile back, knowing that there is no way I could be with the Spirit and The Word as my only reason for breathing. I am learning to trust Him more.
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