Shattered

She just held on... Even when I tried to let go... She just held on. Thoughts of how abandoned and confused I have felt, how utterly depressed I have been, and how longing I was for someone to just hold me flooded over. I cried. And this time it was real. As His Spirit washed over, for the first time in my life I felt comfort from another other than the Lord. Real comfort. The fear I have so long been chasing, the strength of my own I relied on, the weakness of my heart all faded for that moment. Healing... I am beginning to know what it feels like.

And I never want to go back.

I know it is time to move on in my life. God is breaking the chains I have held onto so long. The dark road I have traveled is no longer ahead of me. He holds my hand and leads me where I never dreamed I would go.

So I commit myself to Him. I commit myself to His people. To serve and to love not with all that I am, but all that He is. I will not run away this time, I will not fail in this future because He is becoming everything I am.

Alive Again by Matt Maher

I woke up in darkness
surrounded by silence
oh where, where have I gone?

I woke to reality
losing its grip on me
oh where, where have I gone?

Cause I can see the light
before I see the sunrise

You called and you shouted
broke through my deafness
now I'm breathing in
and breathing out
I'm alive again

You shattered my darkness
washed away my blindness
now I'm breathing in
and breathing out
I'm alive again

Late have I loved you,
you waited for me,
I searched for you
what took me so long?

I was looking outside
as if love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

Cause I can feel the wind
before it hits my skin

Cause I want you
Yes, I want you,
I need you
And Ill do whatever I have to
Just to get through
cause I love you
and I love you

Change Is Come

God... God...

Sometimes when I sit and pray... this is all I can think of. It is all that can escape my thoughts. For the longest time I was ashamed of it, especially during prayer at church. Even though I know all that matters is that He, the Creator, loves me and knows my heart, I desired the proof of my faith to others. Now I just long to sit in that overwhelming place of... "God...".

In Francis Chan's book Crazy Love He writes:

"I believe He wants us to love others so much that we go to extremes to help them. I believe He wants us to be known for giving- of our time, our money, and our abilities- to start a movement of "giving" churches. In so doing, we can alleviate the suffering in the world and change the reputation of His bride in America. Some people, even at church, have said to me flat-out, "You're crazy." But I can't imagine devoting my life to a greater vision."

And I remembered being told that. Simply, "You're crazy." It made me laugh. Thinking about it now after all God has done in my life, it was the first time I ever dreamed of giving so much for something that served me not just little, but not at all. Something seemingly silly and extreme. It is where He began to show me how to love others above myself. The experience I had that day was one that would begin to change my life. I think it is why I want to be friends now. You are a reminder of the most important thing in my life, no, in all the universe: God loves us. God loves me.

So now I give all my things away. The things I tried to hold onto, still, even after I knew it was time to give it all up. Now it is for real. Jesus I devote my life to you. Take all of me, the nothing I am, and make me a light for you. Make me a servant to others, that they cannot help but be drawn to the Almighty God at the sight of Your work in me. God you are so Great, and I am so small. Be my Master and let me love in such a way as You did in laying down Your life. This life You have for me feels like living on the edge. But I am excited now, not afraid. The shallow life I have lived is fading away. Deepen it, Lord, that the world might be changed to know and experience you even more than I am now.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

And I am reminded. Your unending love, your infinite truth, your ocean of grace... they all wait in front of me. For so long I have waited for the one to come and wrap his arms around me, take my hand and show me how to escape this fear and this bitterness. For so long it seemed I was sinking in this thick ending, slowly fading into the dark, unaware, unwilling, asleep. All along You were there. You were grasping onto to the same frail, bleeding heart I so desperately protected. When my legs collapsed beneath me I did not fall because You held me tightly. In the moments death surely awaited to snatch my life away, You brought light. My hand... You held it all the way.

And I fought. I tore. I ran. But now Your spirit has opened my eyes and I remember. The first love that plunged into my flesh, that dissipated my infection, that tore away my blindness... It is still here. It is more healing than I ever imagined.

So I forget myself and I no longer want the healing for myself, but for you. I pray the fear in your eyes would be cast away into nothingness, never to return. As I watch your heart crushed and beaten by the depressions of this life, I pray God will raise it again. He will wrap His arms around you. He will take away your brokenness. He will hold onto you even when you refuse to hold onto Him. I want to offer you the same... but know you may never see.

I am okay with that... because my Healer has set me free.

Slow Your Breath Down by Future of Forestry

Resolutionary Commitment

It is fading now
The departure long awaited
Has come
In it new air arises
And sweeps through the hair of my new beginning
Love looks a little different
And time a little softer
The sun climbs over my dark horizon
And it's rays blaze through my frozen heart
My steps are slowed
The music begins to resonate
I can almost hear it now
I close my eyes to await its arrival
Quietly
A caressing light brushes the grass beneath me
And I am thankful
I am letting go
So I may finally find
Safety and rest await
The darkness can no longer resist the light
For once I find I want this
For once my heart knows
It flows with the brooke at my side
Trickling over and beyond the stones
To the hope that never existed before
And I am thankful

I am letting go

Confessions: Part II

I like to cuddle.

Post- Valentine's Day

It's Beautiful by Eleventyseven

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together
Fallen short and faded out
You keep making gardens in this desert
Despite the grace that I dismiss
Forgiveness was the catalyst
To penetrate my heart with what is true

It's Beautiful
You could turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's Beautiful

Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted
I'm asking You to shape my heart
I want to be Your work of art
Cause when You change me
And make me more like You

It's Beautiful
You could turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's Beautiful

So help me God forbid
And never take for granted
This endless gift You give

It's Beautiful
You could turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's Beautiful
It's Beautiful

It's Beautiful

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together

Listening to this now after almost 2 years blows me away. God is so incredible. For the first time ever I am finding myself truly soft-hearted. This fear that has gripped me so long is fading away. All this time I have said I was looking, that I needed a persistent one to come along, that he had to reach out to me. Funny thing is, it happened. And guess what I did? I pushed him away. If you don't let anyone in you don't get hurt. That is how I rolled... with out even knowing it. Now my vision is a little different. If I want someone to put their heart on the line for me, I must be willing to do the same myself.

This true love, the kind that is an example of Christ's love for the church, the kind that lays everything on the line, I want it. And I am willing to face my greatest fears for it. So I am a little clumsy and a little relationship stupid (okay a lot relationship stupid). But I want to be better for you, whoever you are.

This Post-Valentine's Day God allowed me to lay more down for you. My heart belongs to you and you alone.

And I think for the first time I am ready to give it.

Top 10 Love Songs

Celebratory of Post- Valentine's Day.

1. She Cries by East West

2. It's Beautiful by Eleventyseven

3. Angel In The Night by Basshunter

4. A Little More by Skillet

5. Don't Stop Believing by Journey

6. Yours To Hold by Skillet

7. God Gave Me You by Dave Barnes

8. Love Addict by FF5

9. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) by Journey

10. Hey Now by FM Static

Forest Fire

There it was. A forest fire. He saw it, I called 911. Funny thing was, I never would have seen it. I was too busy at trying to find some stars and look at the moon. All the signs were there. Smoke, ashes, even the orange glow of the flames on the trees. It was just a little to far out of my peripheral. At first, it looked like a controlled burn, but out here in all the trees? No.

The embers were so bright.

It reminded me of our friendship. Originally I approached him thinking he looked like he needed someone to talk to. But the reality of it is, he has helped me more in this short time than I could ever help him. His support to me is the kind I believed existed in my mind, but never believed existed in my heart. Now I know what it looks like to be real friends with someone like that. Instead of fumbling around in the dark, I am fumbling around in the light. It is a stepping stone monumental to my life and a gift of a friendship I never want to lose.

He has spotted the biggest fire in my life. One I didn't even know how to find. Now I might be able to break free of this weight, climb out of this pit I have rested in so much of my life. God is good, and I hope and pray the Lord gives me faith so I will not fall.

Confessions: Part I

I have given up on caring about my car singing. It sucks and it is loud. I hope you like it.

Love songs. They are some of my favorite.

As soon as spring hits: Flowers. In my hair. All the time.

The sight of children now makes me smile. Don't ask. I don't know.

I have cussed my equipment out at work. My patience has abounded with it since. ;)

Sometimes I feel invisible. At times it is like a superpower and other times it just hurts.

I am looking. For real this time. The barriers are strong, but I want to fight through them.

If I were to tell the unhindered truth, without any reservation... I hope your around for a while. You are pretty cool. Perhaps there was reservation in that. I am working on it.

The Dream

Disclaimer: The quality of writing in this blog may be detrimental to your health. Read with caution.

It was on the beach. A convention, it felt like. A Christian convention minus the Christians. At least serious ones. We sat in a giant theater. Bleachers took the place of padded seats and concrete warehouse walls faded to nothing in the front. A starry night sky and white waves were visible through the opening. My Mom sat a row or two below. By the wayside a group of guys stood. They felt as if they had known each other for quite some time. A couple had beers, a couple cigarettes, and they all talked carelessly except one who stayed quiet. He was one of them, but appeared preoccupied by another matter. None of his friends seemed to notice save one who leaned over from his beer to encourage him. Before I knew it the boy from the group was sitting next to me asking me on a date. But he asked knowing I made a commitment to do no such thing... So he waited and sat with me. Two more times he asked, each time appearing physically different. One with dark hair, one with red, another with a unique color, all sitting in separate locations. Finally, the last time I saw him he stood 5 or 6 bleachers up. His hipster dress and shoulder length red hair faded quickly away when I saw his eyes. Big oceans of purple, sad, determined, and full of peace. It was then I knew. He was the one. So much peace filled me I could not describe. I knew he was going away. We both knew. But it was okay, because we knew each other now.

And that was enough.

The Music

Hold My Heart

Healing Begins

Can You Feel It

Angel In The Night

Shine

Secrets And Regrets

Introducing/Madmen

Speak To Me Gently

Hills Of Indigo Blue

Clocks

In The Light

Carry On My Wayward Son

Don't Stop Believing

You And Me

Everything

To Write In The Morning...

...Is to write abnormal
I say it as though it was the reason
As if I had so much power
Your eyes are still in my head
A vision unlike any I could comprehend
It devastates me
Your sadness
It rots me to the core
And turns me inside out
Can you come any closer to breaking
I feel if you do
You won't break in two
But into many failing to rise again
To feel her arms
A little girl gripping for dear life
Onto so small a prospect
I can only carry her so far
Before I fall
But strength will rise
When it seems all is gone
I trust
You will be there
Such a symbol, love
Revealing our innermost
Cuts and triumphs
Beyond repair, beyond reprieve
They follow like tiny souls
All waiting for the slaughter
Do they know?
What they seek is of no value
Their shadows only eat them alive
Seeping from their eyes
Pouring from their mouth
That is why the music
Yes, I think
That is why the music so comforts me
Could it ease a little
Or will survival come without?
The beginning of the end
It is far now
Patiently will time wait
Dragging through the ashes
Until the one glimmer is found
The truth is I fade fast
I can cut the ribbon
But never follow the hearse
I would like to follow this time
If it is allowed
I look to my Father
As a small child to the parent
Holding the tip of a finger to large for my hand
Lying will serve this time
On the rug
The cold floors certainly won't do
Maybe a glimmer will pass over
Amidst all these ashes