Attention: Jerryn Johnston

It is bill day. Well, actually that was yesterday. But I am doing them today because there are not many this time of year. I like paying bills... At least the one's for Collins. My own bills... I guess I like those, too. It is good to take care of what needs taking care of. Accomplishment. It is what we all long for.

When You Come Back Again, Would You Bring Me Something Back From The Fridge

Last night I viewed the final episode of Cowboy Bepob. It still does not thoroughly impress me, nor do I care to watch it again any time soon. In fact, the despairing feeling it brought to me is something I still cannot shake. To see a character in his last days still never find the peace and hope he searched for in his life reminded me of the sorrow surrounding every day for so many people. It reminded me of why God has given me the ability to create what I have. He has given me a message. A message of love and grace that can only be found in Jesus Christ. Urgency seemed for so long to drive what is now sitting, and it is time I heeded that urgency. Our time here is so short so why do we sit around in our pain instead of taking action? Are we really that focused on our own self-preservation? Curse our lack of motivation. I don't know about you, but I am getting up. Even if it kills me, I will see joy replace the loss of hope in this world. Even is just one person is changed... so be it.

Winter May Have You Depressed, But I Might As Well Be Sun Bathing

It is strange to think this time last year I was trudging through the snow to work with nothing but a jacket and my uniform. I was colder then than I am now. Having been kicked out of my house for finally standing up to my Dad... changed everything. I think it changed me more than it changed him. Today, living there seems like a completely different life. Yeah, things are rough sometimes, but I can actually have discussions with my Father and not afraid of the outcome. Fear has driven so much of my life...
To me it is odd this last year, half the people I know now I had no idea even existed. And of all places to feel a desire to be, Portland was the last on my list. God's funny that way.
This time last year, I was confused and unclear... This time this year... I am still confused about the same things. Though one thing has changed. Even though I dread the aftermath and do not understand the beginning, I can jump with both feet first. Christ is my rock, and if He is my rock, nothing can shake me.
It is strange to think it has been so long. Made to believe I was beautiful inside and out I responded with honesty. But those things never last do they. At least that is what I have heard. It is hard to think two people's recollection can be so distant and different. But this year God has finally taken that place. He has always made me most joyous. Now it has sunk in deep. It dwells in the parts of my heart where the rusted doors have finally been made clean.
Now I work. I will work tirelessly until my work is done. Whatever it is you have for me Lord, even though they tell me I cannot, even though I am confused and afraid, I trust you will pave the way for me. In that lies my confidence. In that will I always believe.

If Anyone Cares To Listen...

... Don't watch the video. Don't let the noises around distract you. Close your eyes and simply... listen.




Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out


Deliver Me by David Crowder

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

CHORUS:
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

And if you are one for mixes, Click Here.

Today I received this email:

"Al[ishia],

I thought of you when I read this article. It was in todays NY paper in case you haven't read it

Stan"



The article he sent went something like this...


Block-a-Thon



The more I thought of the article, I smiled. The word "perfect" cannot suffice.

Intentionality; What Am I Writing About Again?

Is that even a word? Here... let me check... Intentionality. Yep. Spell check says it is so it must be. I mean, it is always right, isn't it? This coming season is an exciting one. One full of change and growth and love in the continuous flow God never stops giving. But I wonder as I ponder this new endeavor, will I be alone or will I finally have others to change and grow and love with? Is that why God led me to Portland? Will they help? I know it is why my relationship is repaired with one of my greatest friends. It puts me at peace. It puts me at joy. All these people and their struggles and growths. I want to be more a part of their lives. I don't want to go to lunch with them. I want to have an honest growing relationship. That requires intentionality... on both parts. Maybe this will help. Is this what you want God? I hope it is (see definition of hope in "As I Write Another Draft, 9/2/09) because You have opened so many unexpected doors.
It is funny reading back through my blogs. Some things I just wish I could delete, but then I remember how growth looks in hind-site; like crap. Well, some of the time at least. Ah, imagery.
Hmmm... Right now I am understanding the difference between planning and intentionality. Intentionality allows room for God to direct. Planning clouds. If you intend to do things with discipline and trust God will accomplish them, they will happen. If you plan it all out and leave no space for God to lead you, your focus falls away from him and your vision becomes your own. At least in my case.
More thoughts? Eh, somewhere, but words never suffice. The greatest communication and most completely complete communication is through the Spirit. It is then you can look at each other hardly able to keep a straight face and in laughter quietly shake your head and say, "Yeah... Just yes."

That, I would have to say, is my favorite.

Specific People.... And General People, Too

I am sitting here at work in the quiet alone with my thoughts. Although I must admit I make myself alone with my thoughts many times despite the environment. I like it that way. I think about a lot of things. Lately I have been filling my head with a lot of non-sense I think. Planning and thinking and over-analyzing, planning, thinking, and over-analyzing, planning, thinking, over-analyzing. You get the picture. And in it all I am finally grasping for what I have been reaching after for a while. How to create a peace of mind again. I keep thinking about how much weight I am going to lose in this next year, how much money I am going to make and how I am going to budget it, where I am going to live 2 or 3 months from now, how will I get to Susan's every weekend, what groups might be like here at work, what the heck is going on with my relationships, etcetera, etcetera , ETCETERA!
You see, the world tells us if we understand these types of things we will succeed in life. God tells us if we trust and obey Him we will succeed in life.
So here I am again making plans, this time clouding my mind from any rational thought process that might have occurred. Thankfully God reminds us of what we have learned in the past. While reading a couple of blogs today a few things pieced together in my mind. The first piece was from a blog that was all questions. Questions about what was to happen and when and why and how and just a lot of unsure thoughts about the coming year. It reminded me of my clouded mind and how I had been dancing around these things that didn't really matter so much. Then I read a blog about doubt. About how beautiful God is and about how someone was afraid to share who they really were, even when they felt most at home. God has taught me a lot about fear. I think the worst side effect of fear is dishonesty. It destroys people and relationships by creating this false idea we can't share and address how we feel and think about life. Then I remembered how to have peace. I could not put it to words, but it makes me feel better. I don't get stressed when I keep my mind on track because God is allowed to work through my thoughts and down into my heart and soul. How beautiful it is.
Then I remember. I remember people and not what was in my mind about them. I remember God and how He works. I remember time doesn't matter and neither do my plans. I remember I am not afraid. I remember courage. I remember how to clear my mind. I remember how to be a peace-maker. I remember how to start and I remember how to finish. I remember how to address the need. I remember how to stand tall in Christ as He cradles me in His arms. Most of all, I remember the simplicity of it all. It really is that simple. If you can remember that in all your life, you will live much happier, I think.
Then I crave to listen. If I could listen to them and hear what they have to say, maybe they could find the peace I have. I want to be the one to listen to all those questions and be the silence and quiet needed. I want to be the one who can listen to all the confusion and bring simplicity to the conversation. I want to be the one who can hear you scream and cry out of frustration and doubt and not think anything but better of you. I want to be the ear that can help you take the first step toward a better future without a clouded mind. I already know it is there. I know you are confused, I know you are struggling, I know you want to release everything inside... so do it. Let me hear. Together we can step forward and work toward the glorious future God has set forth.
It really is that simple, you know. As Nike would say, "Just do it".

The Reality Of It All; I Am Not A Socialist; I Don't Care To Explain

I am not a vampire, but in all reality I just might be. At least by post modern standards.
Health care reform is being pushed massively at this point, people crying out for this panel which decides who gets health care and who doesn't instead of it lying in corporate hands. They believe people that actually care will be on these panels. They believe it will no longer be about money if we only change it this way. The reality of it all is it won't change. The same jerk heading up that corporation who looks for reasons to cancel your insurance will be, or eventually will be, a part of the panel who can "justly and graciously" decide who gets health insurance and who does not. How can people get so caught up they do not see the motives and outcomes are the same? The reality of it all... is people never get it, at least not as a whole.
So I suppose it is time to focus on how we can help each other. Even if health care does fail if we ALL focus on the needs of others we ALL always be supported. In that case, I sure hope Christ comes back soon.

There Is No Walking The Other Way, That's Just The Way It Is

I am... a vocal person. Hardly ever is there something crossing my path not worth speaking about or, if God wills, into. But my voice rarely lies in my words. If for a moment it does I almost feel as if I had an out of body experience. No, my voice resides in my glance, my stare, my heart, my vision, my soul... in my God. Ever has He spoken for me so now He has become my voice.
I am convinced (I love Paul) people cannot be swayed more than by a person who has conviction through doubt. Not someone who hangs on because of obligation, but because in their mind, heart, and soul there simply is no other option. Despite imperfections, that small part of them that holds fast in a world of doubt and voracious, ravenous hunger to consume all that we are, is a more powerful witness than 1,000 missionaries. If only we could all find the truth causing us to cling amongst the clouds.
Anyway, good song. Read. Listen.

Your Love Is Better Than Life (St. Petersberg Mix)
by
The Newsboys

I dunno nothing that I haven't been taught
I dunno why I was born into the family I've got
I dunno if I ever had an original thought
Maybe not, maybe so, maybe later, I dunno

I dunno how I can end a prayer, then turn on a friend
I dunno what I was thinking when I just pressed 'send'
I dunno why I still criticize the things I dunno
I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, but I know

Your love is better than life
Without Your love, I'm just a broken machine
Your love is better than life
Without Your love, it's just a mindless routine
Your love is better than life
Without Your love, I'm in another free fall
Your love is better than life
Without Your love, I've got nothing at all

I dunno what goes down the moment we die
Do we get halos and harps?
Do we sleep?
Do we fly?
I dunno how, when and why this world will finally end
Speculation's gonna grow
Who knows best?
I dunno

I dunno if I should push ahead or stop and grieve
I lie awake and wonder how to make a city believe
I dunno when it's a ministry and when it's a show
Maybe neither, maybe both, I dunno
But this one thing I know

Your love is better than life
Without Your love, I'm just a broken machine
Your love is better than life
Without Your touch, I'm not a full human being
Your love is better than life
If I should ever leave, where would I go?
Your love is better than life
I look to You, 'cause You're the lover of my soul

Here's to the lover of my soul

I dunno when to walk away or stand and fight
Just when I've got it wrong, I'm sure I heard You right
And when my arguments are water-tight
You expose every hole with a flash and a flood
And I know I hear You call in the eye of the storm
And I know You've had my back since the day I was born
Still stoking my heart, still stirring my head
You'r emy pillar of fire, You're the wine, You're the bread

And Your love is better than life
Without Your love, I'm in another free fall
Your love is better than life
Without Your love, I've got nothing at all

I dunno when I've got it right or wrong
I dunno how I can wrap it in a four-minute song
But I know my grip is better when I'm not hanging on
Your love is making us strong, all along
Your love is better than life.

Dried Apricots

Warning: Dialogue in this blog has been somewhat modified for grammatical and all around it-just-sounds-better-that-way purposes. (And I am the italics = D)

In the past week I have consumed more hot chocolate than I have in the past year. Really it makes me sick, yet I crave it nonetheless.
I like being at the top of the food chain. Not even a Tyrannosaurus Rex could eat me. The other night while taking a quick jaunt outside with Whitney, I saw a squished... animal on the ground. It appeared to be a slug (which are often laid open on the cement) so I continued on my merry way. It was then my friend exclaimed, "That was a slug?! But it had legs!"
What?! Rushing back to the scene because I could not leave the smashed, legged creature's identity a mystery, I peered down onto the street, studying the gutless roadkill. After much deliberation it was decided. A frog!
Naturally feeling terrible, I searched for a resting grounds for the poor creature. Whitney protested.
"What are you doing?!"
Finding a place to put it. We can't just leave it in the street.
*rolls eyes and turns away*
Where should I put it?
"I don't know!"
After some more much needed deliberation the frog went back to its original death bed. The people whose garden I could have used were sitting on their porch and I could not very well walk around with a dead frog dangling from one leg, skin empty and head sagging. But it still should have at least been thrown in the nearest possible yard.
"You are putting it back? Then why did you... never mind."
It appeared our walk would continue until this slug the size of Texas caught my eye.
Woah! As I approached something changed. Were those pinchers? God in heaven! That is a crawdad!
Of course my friend standing over there was absolutely oblivious to the what actually lurked in front of us, so I ran over and picked it up. Spinning around with my new found friend, I held him proudly in the air.
It's a crawdad! In the middle of the street!
To make a long story short, evidence leads to the frogs murder by said crawdad, and while I had no punishment set aside, evidence also suggests Fatty (my kitty) raided the pot where Mr. Murderer resided and took responsibility of Judge, Jury, and Executioner all in one.
And in all of this, aside from my amazement that a crawdad was sitting in the middle of the street with no water or creek in the vicinity, I gained one jewel of thought: I am overjoyed I am at the top of the food chain. It is just one more reason to praise God every day. Really guys, in all seriousness... Praise the Lord.

As I Write Another Draft And I Toss It In The Trash... (Sometimes Called "Speaking Of")

It seems just last week I cleaned out all my drafts... now I have about 6 or 7 more. Wait, it was just last week I cleaned them out. Crap. All these things fly around in my head and find no peace. So I try to write them down, soon realizing I need to study up on a couple things to finish it. Then I get studying all this random stuff and, well, I just lose track of its container. You know, that place where all the information is stored? When those get lost I can't focus on anything. Good thing God has been gracious enough to teach me patience. At least a few things can get written down.
Today I was reminded. I am not sure of what, but I was reminded. It made me feel closer to God. Like in one of those pictures where couples hold each other in their arms and smile at the camera. That is my favorite feeling to have with God. He knows me so well that all those questions that try to steal my faith and hope become obsolete. His love is so powerful.
Speaking of faith and hope, I heard a really good sermon on them the other day. The pastor expressed faith was what we have in things past and hope is what we have in things future. For a quick, easy example, Christ's accomplishment is what we have faith in and heaven is what we hope in. It isn't the kind of hope like, "I hope this works out..." It is the kind that says, "I am sure of my place in heaven." I am no scholar or Biblical teacher by any means, but it appears to me this is accurate. Even in the little things you see in the Bible, in history, in life can equate to this formula of faith and hope. Learning new things makes me happy.
Speaking of happy, I feel extra accomplished right now. But after trying to pin why I feel this way on so many things, I have decided to just let God take the blame for it. He has (and continues to) grown me in so many ways I could never begin to describe the joy that is present in Him. Is this the reason for sparkles?
There are so many things that wish to be said, yet no way to say them. Guess I will need to act. Funny thing about faith and hope. They all require action. They must be facilitated by the willing, faith-giving, hoping, wanting, shattered, humbled, acting heart. These are the stepping stones to a joyous life in Christ.
Speaking of joy, I am really craving a good worship with music and some friends...
I know what I was reminded of now. Listening. I see myself listening. To God... and to others. I pray they will talk.

It's Okay; The Voicing Of Things Long Unspoken Due To Lack Of Words And Insufficient Growth

It's okay. It's okay... It's okay. It's... okay. I hear people tell themselves that a lot. Why? I never understood. Repeating things to myself, especially out loud, never changed my mindset. Yet, as I sit here, I find myself saying it. The words just keep spilling out of my mouth against my will. Weird. It usually takes something pretty powerful to make me speak, let alone say something I would never say. I... am hurt but at peace, longing but still, shaky but somehow stable. Every step is strange this year, these kind being the strangest. I hear these words: stick around. What does that mean? Shoot. Good question. While I am incredibly patient and good at waiting, it does not change how I like to move on. God just keeps trying to teach me more and more on this one. Do not give it up, do not put it all out. Just wait. Hmmmm. Be still and know that you are God? Yeah, yeah. I know you just reminded me of that one. You made me still amongst the chaos. You caught my attention... in a really powerful way You only use when something is important. Then I heard. Stick around. *sigh* It is hard. I believe there is an equality between the pain felt when hurt and the emotion, thought, and overall energy that goes into something. In simpler terms... If you love someone +100 then losing that love hurts +100. Make sense? Sure. Why not? So why does it not hurt? For once can I just have one answer? I am not bitter or angry. I am just tired. This stillness You give me, this peace that belongs to You. Why does it only comfort and drive? Why does it not answer the simplest question? You have plans? I know
You have plans. Can I not I just rest? Is there no way for us to just come to a rest stop on this infernal highway of growth? These questions have built up. I know that. So here I voice them. God help me. I am so hopeful, so disgustingly optimistic, You give me so much faith. But to learn at this rate... For You to do something that so greatly glorifies you through me, must it be so difficult. I am tired. I am tired. I am... tired. There are no tears. Only scrapes through the dirt as I crawl, face turned up to the sky. No matter what I do I cannot look away. If I do I only realize in that one second that all I desire is to look back. So I crawl on. Lord, how much longer. Yes, my hardships fail in comparison to that of some... but something deep inside naggs me saying it will be harder than I can comprehend. Am I reminded of that now? Yeah. I am. I see the connection. Wait. Stick around. Be patient. Be a presence and not a word. You do that for me. That is why you are the love of my life. Because there is nothing you won't do for me. Man, I suck. I am so inadequate. Yet through Your Son I am more than overflowing. With all of my heart, all of my heart, I love you. Please give me even a little more strength. Just enough to be still. I miss that when it isn't here. The more I experience it, the more restless it seems I become without it. Stick around. I will do my best. No, I will let You be my best.
You know that joy that you can feel overflowing? The kind that makes you sense the glow coming from you? I feel that when I look at you. Is that right? I hate it. But this time my pain... it isn't +100. It is more like +50. Not a chance. You are stupid. You are ugly inside and out. You can never be adequate. Ha. Maybe I don't hate it so much. I think I might just... stick around.

Old New Stuff

Posted some stuff from my myspace I wanted to save. It might be a page or two back. Begins with "Always With The Bats In The Belfry" and ends with "Pick Up Lines" in June. Just one of the many steps in parting from the disgrace known as myspace... Now if I could only get those obsessive myspacers to become facebookers. Yes, yes, precious. Soon now it will all be over.

In Waiting Is Where I Find My Silence: Self Evaluation

"I'm searching the stars in desperate hours, bound to find meaning. God show me a face, in this desolate place and tenderness meets me." ... ... ... One of those songs I cannot help but close my eyes and listen to sometimes. It reminds me of how much I am loved, how much I am cared for, how much I am protected... and by default... how much I hurt. Always I fall short. God, it hurts. So much I do not know what to do with myself... So I wait. I wait until love finds me. The love of God manifests itself in many ways. Through my friendships, my family, that person I can sense an absolute joy in life radiating from in the street. We will just leave out relationships. They hurt. Yet as much as it hurts to know how inadequate I am, I have something I do not deserve. I am not second choice, I am not that one girl, I am not the abused one, I am not ugly, I am not self-conscious, I am not always guessing, I am not confused, I am not misunderstanding or misunderstood, I am not sad, I am not unfaithful, I am not struggling, I am not worried, I am not restless, I am not tired, and I am not dead. I am... loved. I am the child with the perfect Father. Sometimes I wish my thinking could stay this simple. But I hurt. I say we will leave out relationships, but if there is one article that needed stitching... It is a wound not easily healed. It kills me but I let my Father keep it open. I struggle to let Him keep it open, so that one day someone with a quiet gentle hand might reach over, and with the love of God manifested in him, heal it. Man, I promised myself I would not cry. Well, not really. I cry all the time. One of those things that keeps it open. For now all I have is salt in the cut. And it gets pushed deeper and deeper with every passing week. It is OK I suppose. Again, how else can I keep it open? What other method other than keeping my pain on the surface can I wait for healing? If I bury it becomes bitter and if I search out a band-aid it only masks what truly lies beneath.
"And there you can hear a whispering tear that speaks into our loneliness." It always feels nearest, deep in my soul, when I feel God nearest. I know it is OK to wait. It is OK to hurt for now. It is a season in my life. It will pass. Maybe not now or even the very near future, but it will pass. I have faith my Father will not fail me. Everything that happens happens for a reason. Every person that crosses my path has a purpose to teach and show me something I have never known before.
If he is reading this, if he even gets what I am saying or knows who he is... maybe he does not care... Thank you. You have given me through your faith peace and kept my wound open just a little longer. It makes no sense someone I am hardly attached to can have such an incredible impact on me, but you have.
"Can you just feel the time falling from someplace new? Can you just feel the sign, love waits for you?"
Love waits for you.

The Moon Is A Giant Firework; It'll Explode Someday

This has been a season of processing. A season of recognizing the past, learning from its ridiculous immaturities (I just made that a word) and face-rockin' times, and moving on to what I know to be a once again better future in the presence of my God. Except I am still stuck here at home. Not in Portland. Not in school. Not with money. I have a job, it just pays very little. Pell Grant application here I come. It kills me knowing God is pulling me somewhere and not being there. Hmph, it really is all in His time.
Stress does things to you. In the end it makes me value the calm and peace I can only find in very specific situations: with God, in music and other forms of worship, with God, looking into the setting sun and the glorious stars in the sky, with God, in meeting and talking with new people, with God, and with this one person which is really weird and I don't understand it and, frankly, it scares the living tar out of me and it should just be left where it is so I can avoid it some more and continue to wallow in my constant state of confusion. So what do these all have in common? God! He is present (and He is just like a really cool present) in all of them! Woo! We have a winner! So I come back to simply trusting Him. Simply but complexly. Heh, wouldn't it be nice... Isn't that a song?
In all this reminiscing I discovered I came from an alien spaceship and my brother, Reegan, was not far behind. They will be back someday to save us from the moon. It will explode. Did you think this title was for show?
My relationships are a mess. A neat mess, I might add. I guess to rebuild you must tear down and leave some behind. I cried about it. Yep. That is right. I. Cried. About. It. Probably about 3 times now. Tonight the most, though. I was shaking. Some of you know what that means. And for those of you don't? Well, why don't you hang around more? Weirdos.
Maybe some of the crying wasn't for relationships... I think maybe fear. If there is one thing I have learned it is that fear causes the greatest destruction of all. It makes people run, push others away, creates bitterness, drives some into madness, and so much more. I think a running person is by far the most frightening. Ever run in to someone who has become aggressive over their fear? They protect it with all their might so you won't see their wound. I have a character in one of my stories. His name is Casper (no not the friendly ghost...) His best friend does something very bad when they are young and then runs. When Casper is prepared, he chases. He chases for years until he finds his friend. Without hesition he runs to him and grabs on. But the fear that has filled this boy for so many years causes a struggle. He struggles so hard that he completely immobilzes Casper and then runs once again. Casper...he still chases. Never does he give up. No matter how many times he is bitten in an attempt to heal the wound, he always reaches back, calmly and gently as ever.
I want to be that. I want to be that quiet and calm that no matter how many times someone tries to hurt me, I can see through their fear, straight into their heart, and reach back again. By God's Spirit may I have this understanding. May I be able to find someone to share this with. Someone who understands not with words, for how can one ever communicate with words the power and love behind true healing? Man, I long for that wordless love. Someday. Now I will only dig deeper into my Father and learn all He has for me. As long as He is my eyes, my hands, my feet, my heart, mind, and soul I can never fail. Now if only I could trust Him that much all the time...
Well, chillins (ewe, I just used that term), I believe it is past my bedtime. Sleep well and prosper.

A Place Of Peace In A World Of Stone

Tonight I play. As the city crumbles beneath my feet, my friends die, losing their lives forever, I will cling to His Word. Looking up at these stars, my guitar in my hand, I wish nothing more than to be engulfed in the light of my Savior. Walking forward tonight... may mean my death. I will gladly die for this opportunity to reach them. I feel You. Closing my eyes overwhelms me with your presence. You turn this dim alley into a street of gold. This door has always been familiar. Is it not how you intended it? Passing these people, drinking their lives away... fighting everything that can save them. Strip away their fear. Give them authority by your name. Jesus.
The lights illuminating my skin are darkness compared to the power you possess. Will you not reach down and shine through me one last time? This pick... these strings... this stool... these faces... always so familiar. Your music flows through me. It is by Christ alone that my hope is found. By Christ alone.
They come. They have been waiting for some time, turning blind in the darkness. His name is not tolerated here. Still I will sing of it. The light reached some of them. You can take my instrument. You can steal my voice. But you cannot kill Him. Even as they humiliate me by dragging me across this floor I have worn myself, a smile still reaches its way to the surface. Did you see their faces? They knew. They saw.
I laugh. They grip my hair and force me to the ground. My eyes and spirit only soften more. Why would I steal your chance at freedom to save myself? I would gladly suffer at your hands if it meant you would see. Anger flows from them as they lead me through blackness. If they could turn around they would know. Turn around.
You are breaking my bones... my blood creates a river along the pavement. But you will not prevail like this. Your fear is showing you hatred. How much more power there is in love! Will you not stop? Continue to beat me. See the truth, I pray. My consciousness is fading. Light begins to leave my eyes. Their mockery echoes in my mind, but I hear none of their words. Just the words of my King. No guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me. Jesus commands my destiny.
They go. It all seems so... distant. Of all the wars I have fought, the many battles I led, there is a peace in this moment I could not find then. Only by pure sacrifice will You be seen. May You be glorified, my God.

The Name Fell Out Of The Back Of My Mind... No Really. Where Is It?

I am... restless. It would seem words are endless, but forming them into sentences proves harder than desired... or needed. I think all my bad luck is coming from not reposting or resending texts and such. You know those forwards... "I will kill you tonight if you don't stand on your head in the next 10 minutes". Yeah... those ones. I suppose looking back now I had no idea what I intended to write in this blog. Yet it will still say that I wrote it 100 years before I actually did. Stupid drafts I let sit forever. This one didn't even say enough for me to expand on it... I am very content in my new job. Guest Coordinator at Alton Collins Retreat Center. Translation? Working with beautiful people in a beautiful place. Ok, ugly ones, too. Not only that, but I will also be able to move to Portland come the end of the year. Really it has only taken a year of falling on my face over and over and over and over to figure out where God wanted me. I think that is pretty good considering. Darn, this is weird music. I need to get something to listen to. This job is cool. Hey, did I mention I really like this job? How about how beautiful it is down here? Did I tell you that? And that I get to work with people? Yeah, it's that cool. More acurately, it is that much of a miracle and a blessing in my life. Maybe I will make that the definition of cool. Sure. That sounds like a great idea. Guess I am still a little restless. Now that things are moving I should sleep better, though. If my mind isn't occupied enough hours of the day... sheesh, I go nuts. It is like my brain punishes me for not challenging it by stealing my sleep. You know I am very particular about capitals and such. So pay attention when I capitalize and don't. There is always a reason. Anyway, I have no idea what I am talking about or saying... soooooo.... k, bye!

I Loath Poetry

An expression
Too much for words
Too little to matter
A penny for my thoughts? Hmph...
Sure
Why not?
I would sit in the dark and suffer confusion
For just a bit of time
Stupid
Immature
Calm
Relaxed
No?
...No?
I won't look away
Not like usual
Afraid?
Yes
Always more and more
But only of this
I cannot even ask if he is the one to stop it
Too much hurt to put on the front lines
Wondrous, God's plan
Making you wonder and all
Suddenly there is no one there
Help?
I pray someone will wrap their arms around
Wrap them around and not let go
So what if I make a weird face
Or push away
Am unresponsive
I might cry
If they held on long enough
If I knew
If they knew
Healing comes
Broken
Weak
Faint
Slow
Blind
Paralyzed
Dead
I am this
Flight
Strength
Foundation
Speed
Sight
Movement
Life
All these things He is for me
As we wait
Yes
As we wait
Yes
The answers come
As we wait

Fairy Tale Love

It never fails that every year at Creation Fest God gives me more peace about finding "the one." (Really...Is that the best way I could say that? Ugh... I sound like... never mind.) Since my Junior High Sunday School teacher taught me I have prayed for my future spouse and asked God to guide him, protect him, and draw him nearer to Himself every day. But still the things I see discourage me. The relationships I see around me are frightening and disheartening. It seems the men of this world are disappearing and the women have followed suit. We are left with a bunch of boys and girls whose entire lives only scratch the surface of what love truly means when pertaining to a man and a woman. Seeing true young men of God actually hurts me more than anything right now. In fact, it makes me sick. Where are they? Far and few inbetween? But I still cannot get enough of them. Their leadership and influence is unlike any encounter you could ever imagine. You know why? Because in their imperfect lives, Jesus' light is pouring, overflowing from them in such a way that you have no choice but to know the truth that is God. To meet someone with that absolute surrender, to fall in love, that is my prayer. I do not want someone who is unsure of their Savior and doubtful of their Creator. Yes, we will all struggle, but does your life revolve around your doubt? How could I ever be led by anyone whose life is full of mistrust and of the world? I can't. "Greater is He that is within me than he that is in the world."
There once was a time, I think, when people admired the love two people shared in fairy tales. I am not speaking about Disney, here. I am speaking about the passionate endless love that can conquer any obstacle, move any mountain, take you across an ocean, cause you to be willing to die, make you know when you look in the one another's eyes there is no one else, and turn your life into the most incredibly epic journey since the beginning of time. Most do not even pay any mind to this kind of love let alone desire it in their own lives. Convenient times, convenient love? What a sad existence. Jesus has this love for us and intends the same for a man and a woman. I will find the love of my life and we will live according to the incredible life the Lord has planned. There is no doubt I will find my fairy tale love. Because what we believe in this day is fairy tale just very well should be reality.

Happy

I laughed. Someone has to go ucky. Ucky. That has to be the first time I had heard the bathroom referenced in such a manner. I tear open the package of fruit snacks in my hand, pull out the irresistable gewy bites, and throw the wrapper in the trash. I... am happy. The door is open. The night sky is always worth a glance. So I take just a second before chowing down to admire the sky. Despite my superficial lonliness and my now almost constant physical pain, despite the ridicule that has passed and the misunderstanding to come, depsite a long day at work... I.... am happy. How beautiful. The sky, that is. There is this look. The innocent, joyous one people give you sometimes where their eyes glow, because in the deepest darkest room of their heart, even if for only a second, they know the everlasting love and contentment offered by God. They know it. I can't help but stare at people who look like that. I can't help but stare at people period. I think that look passes through me. But mostly when I am alone. Looking at the night sky. Those are the times when I am quiet. When words are just too inadequate. I still wait for another who understands. Someone that stops when I do, and no one can get us to come inside, because in that moment we will both know... Well, like I said... words are inadequate. After all I thought I wanted to write about, this is what is. Hmmm.

Trust And Obey, For There's No Other Way, To Be Happy In Jesus, But To Trust And Obey

I cried today. Well, actually that was yesterday. But I have wanted to write that line for the past 4 or 5 days. Work was the culprit. The indirect culprit, I suppose. You see, I have this fear of spiders. They make me cringe. I have had dreams where I faced death and the Anti-Christ and had complete confidence then turn around to close my eyes before sleep, get an image of a spider in my mind, and have to force myself to close my eyes so I can fall asleep.
There is a mosquito eater dying in the window sill. I feel bad. It cannot fly any longer. Wouldn't that be horrible? To fly all your life and then die, losing your ability to fly?
Anyway, I was on a ladder cleaning double pane windows and this 50 cent piece size black spider crawled out of a pool of cleaner next to my head. It didn't take long for me to jump off the ladder. After composing myself enough to knock the hideous creature down from its deathbed, I moved on to the next window. As I was dusting it out this really weird leaf floated down. I bumped it with the duster toward the edge of the balcony and it looked kind of like it rolled... kind of. But... were those legs? In its stationary state it appeared to be a leaf... So I bumped it again. This time it shot open into this giant spider and started coming after me. Rather than try to kill an aggressive spider I decided backing away quickly was a good choice. After about 10 feet it dropped between two slats of wood in the floor. Being rather freaked out I tried to convince myself to continue cleaning. I have never had to clean where there is no escape from these little devils. There is always a back door, a hallway, or something of the sort.
As self-discipline debated with fear I looked up to see a spider twice the size of the first repairing its web I had broken while opening the window. This is the part where I cried. I was so frightened I felt weak inside and my chest hurt for 3 hours afterward. No matter how hard I tried I could not compose myself and I could not go back. You may think it's stupid, but this is my greatest fear. I think now that I write it down, it had more to do with being trapped and having no escape from one of the only things that truly strike fear in my heart. In Christ I always have a confidence, and escape, a healing from the"little devils" in my life. I didn't this time. I was on my own. God forbid I am ever separated from him.
Haha. You cheesy lessons, you. You big hunk of person, you.
The first reason I cried? Hmmm.... In a word: convictions. Over the past few weeks on and off I have been disgusted with myself at times for following a conviction to speak to someone. Over and over I remind myself of the scripture I heard and past events where the same has occurred.The difference is in the past I have had positive responses...or maybe an acknowledging response would be a better way to put it. This did not happen the last time around. So with this persons disagreement in what I have told them, what the Spirit has been screaming at me for months, I wondered if I was wrong. Was I wrong to speak? I did not question what I was told or where I heard it, only if I was wrong in speaking it.
Then Jon died. Every time I saw him I thought I should ask him if he wanted to hang out. I knew he struggled. It was so easy to see in his eyes. But I never did. Then he killed himself. He killed himself. Now I will never see him again. Never have the chance to start a conversation, to let him know someone else cared. God cared. I cared. I don't know why it hit me when it did, but on the way to see my horse I cried. I couldn't stop. I wanted to pet my horse. That would calm me. Then I could pray, have peace. I thought again of the person I had spoken to. The reason I was fighting this gut sick feeling. Then I thought of Jon. What does it mean to neglect to speak into someone's life? To neglect to follow the Spirit? I have been praying for peace, for health in my emotions. This disease was distracting me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It jumped me when I least expected it and attacked my thoughts, my heart Christ is so slowly but surely rebuilding. I don't feel sick anymore. I don't feel ashamed. I am now standing on the ledge of confidence I was hanging from by one finger a moment ago, looking forward with Christ as my Rock, my Wings, my Bungee Cord, my Sight, and my Guidance. Nothing can separate me from His love and nothing can snatch me from His hand.
I have grown again this week. I am learning to be separate from the world. To be persecuted with joy. I am learning to let people think I am wrong and smile back, knowing that there is no way I could be with the Spirit and The Word as my only reason for breathing. I am learning to trust Him more.

So Much, So Little, So Inbetween

There are a lot of things I want to express. Words are just hard to find. I pondered writing a blog of all my random thoughts throughout the day, but quickly lost interest in the idea...or maybe I was distracted. My writing is being influenced, changed. I think I like it. God is working with it. Now to expand my vocabulary once again. Retaining is difficult for me. Not memorization. Retaining. Like emotions. Grasp them I cannot (ah, Yoda, you have taught me well). Whenever it seems something like anger or sorrow or happiness or excitement comes it only lasts a little while, then disappears. Sometimes they don't come at all. In fact, that is the case most of the time. Is that normal? But something deep inside me understands. It knows. It does all the feeling for me, I guess. Everlasting joy, on the other hand, never escapes me. Christ rocks.
"Black and white is closing in around you...", "I know black and white will never fade to gray." Good artists. Kutless and Haste the Day (respectively, of course). It makes me think of all the people who believe in gray. Who see nothing God has set forth. Gray is not of God. It is of the world. God is black and white. Simple concepts, difficult application. Make sense? Good.
I had a dream. A boy committed suicide in a gas station bathroom here in town. Well, that wasn't the dream. That really happened. In the dream I was walking with him down a gravel road. There was an embankment on the one side with blackberries and then trees at the top. It was really bright. He walked ahead of me to my left. He turned his head back while he talked to me. I knew he was dead, even though he was right in front of me. In that time we walked, which seemed to be forever, I needed to say nothing. Only listen. I understood how he felt and knew my heart went out to him (couldn't really feel it). In the beginning I did feel remorse for never reaching out to him. But he simply turned to me and I knew it was OK. He didn't hold it against me. Usually my subconscious doesn't deal with my regrets. Hmmm.
What if black and white just produces color?
I became lonely. But then I let God reach back in. Guess that was a while ago. Been thinking about it.
John 1. Powerful. If you are of the light you understand. You aren't trying to "figure it out", you are learning and growing. Testing against scripture. If the Word is God, and the Word is Christ, and the Word became flesh, and Christ is Truth, and the Word is truth.... doesn't that mean there is black and white, right and wrong, light and dark? Didn't it say light and dark? Interesting thought. There is a lot about light and dark in the Bible. The Bible points to Christ. Every last Word. So do you really believe? I used to question. Not anymore. Not after what he has shown me. I have authority and confidence in the truth because Jesus Christ is my authority and confidence. He is solid. "So let the wind come. And let the rain come. And blow the house down with a foundation of sand. So let the wind come. And let the rain come. You can't blow the house down with a foundation of God." Disciple. Old Disciple. Now there's a good concert.
There was this weird music coming from the computer and I couldn't make it stop. Actually, it was quite annoying. I was going to listen to music. Then I realized I had my phone.
Be still. Rest. A good reminder for my past few weeks. My brain has been going a million miles per hour and I can't stay focused on anything long enough for someone to hear my complete thought. I hear it. Does that count? No. Not really.
I think I'll start singing again. Building my voice. I have lost so much of it. Piano, too. I have been playing more. That is something I can feel. It feels so good. It's time to pick up the bass. It is time to pick up a lot of things. Time is too short.
Stories. They are cool. I have pretty complete characters now. Yep. I am one of those nerds that writes with characters. I started writing stories when I was in eighth grade. After my notebook was stolen twice I was wondering if I would ever get anywhere. Then I got really far. Then I stopped writing. And then...And then...And then...And then... So now with one of my friends we have the most epic Biblically based fantasy story ever. That is right. Not saying it's better than Tolkien or Lewis...but it might be close. There is some excitement I can grasp.
I like nice people. They help keep my faith in those that suck. Maybe instead of a selfish cold shoulder some jerks just need a nice person...even if it means they get stepped on a little. Got to love selflessness.
I think that is all for today, folks. I am getting bored. Getting a board? Sure. K, bye.

Pick Up Lines

These are some really bad pick up lines...lol. They were worth a blog. Some of them are really bad!

1. Nice bible.
2. I would like to pray with you.
3. You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
4. God told me to come talk to you.
5. I know a church where we could go and talk.
6. How about a hug, sister/brother?
7. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8. Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
9. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
10. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12. I am here for you.
13. The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry"; how about dinner?
14. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17. Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18. Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do".
19. Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20. Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21. (For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22. My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
23. You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
24. Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
25. I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight.
26) Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
27) I hear there's going to be a love offering for tonight.
28) If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.
29) I don't see it, but some people think I look like Sampson
30) What's your name and number so I can add you to my "prayer" list?

Another List of Christian Pick-Up Lines

1) Honesty is like a kiss on the lips...and baby i never lie (Proverbs 24:26 "He who gives a right answer kisses the lips.")
2) Hey baby, you wanna take the church van for a spin?
3) I'm not like those other (insert your church name here) guys.
5) Excuse me, is this pew taken?
7) God broke the mold when He made your sweet face.
8) Hello, will you be my shulamite?
9) Boy, you've really been a visual minister to me!
11) Hi, my name's Will...God's Will
12) [check the person's shirt tag] "just as i thought... made in heaven."
13) Hey, need a ride to church?
14) I'd pick you over Satan any day.
15) God was just showing off when He made you.
17) I would like to pray with you.
18) No, i'm not coveting, I intend to make you mine.
19) How about a hug, sister?
20) Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.
21) Christians don't shake hands...Christians gotta hug!
23) Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
24) What do you think Paul meant when he said, "Greet one another with a holy kiss."? (1 Cor 16:20b)
25) You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa. (Note: Do not get this confused!)
26) Nice Bible!
27) Before tonight, I never believed in predestination.
28) Do you think "ask, and it shall be given you" is to be taken literally?
29) I practice our mission to "love one another" to the fullest extent!
30) God told me to come talk to you!
31) How do you feel about the passage that says, "it is more blessed to give than to receive"?
32) When I saw you, I knew the true meaning of "rejoice and be glad."
33) I didn't know angels flew this low.
34) Excuse me, but can I drinkith from your cupith?
35) I think i feel the Holy Sprit, no, wait, I believe that may be you this time.
36) If Eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit.
37) That halo matches perfectly with your eyes.
38) I must be dead and looking at the angel that is going to take me to heaven.

This Is What Happened When I Cannot Sleep At 2:00a.m.

This Is What Happens When I Cannot Sleep At 2:00 A.M,

It is still rough, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Feedback would be wonderful. : )

I am working my way to the center of the bridge
Soon I will be there
But the architect requires more than one builder
for a bridge this size
Won't you pick up your hammer
Just nail one board down
You see me smiling then
even if it is not much progress
because you are closer then you were before
If we should meet in the middle
if God will allow
then I will hold out my hand
with a tear and a smile
You may choose to take it
and we will weather the storm
repairing the boards that break when they become worn
In the case that you refuse my hand
I will smile again
and start over from the beginning
No matter what it will be worth it
to see all of the changes and challenges you overcome
It does not matter to me what you struggle with
rather it matters to me
that you overcome
what you feel you must change
So I will always be standing there
building my bridge
and holding out my hand when you need it most
Just do not forget to turn around
so I can see your smile
To me, that is what makes all of this worth while

Always With The Bats In The Belfry

Please excuse the terrible writing...

You know those stories you always here about how people's days just go all wrong and they get all frustrated and angry and never want to make plans ever again because they might get ruined like that one time? Well, I don't, but I think if I was anyone else the beginning of my week would have felt similar.

It all began as a normal Monday. I could not find a ride to Portland for college group so I was to ride the bus. (I cannot wait to move out there.) So I waited for Whit to get the directions for me. Unfortunately, her spelling skills were soon to make it very difficult to plan the trip. She could not find the stop next to my house, so I had to do some guessing. I told her what time the schedule said the bus would pass by her and we were all set to go. We can do this I thought.

So I board the bus on my own. As we near the stop where Whitney was supposed to get on I saw someone standing out there. Relief came over me as the bus began to slow to pick up the girl. The person stepped on, the bus doors closed, and we went on our way. Bein as tired as I already was, all I could do was stare at the doors. Whitney missed the bus. Then there was a call. I answered......Did you just miss the bus? I asked.

After getting a few crazy looks from those around me due to my wordage on the phone, I sat quietly while studying my trip. My internal compass isn't just off, it plain flat just doesn't exist, so going places I am not familiar with on my own is never a good idea. Three transfers later I was dropped near the guy's house. One of the few things that went right that day. As I approached the door I noticed it was open and it looked dark inside. Strange... I began up the steps and Luke stepped out. "Hi. There is no college group tonight," he said. I felt my eyes widen a little. Really. There isn't? "No. I sent out an email." Of course, I do not really have access to my email...but Whitney didn't check hers all weekend?

They offered for me to sit inside while I figured out what I was doing. Grateful for their offer I sat with Brandon in the living room while I spoke with Whit. We decided I would wait in Starbucks until she got there. I really wasn't upset, but I was tired, so I just wanted to get somewhere and stay put.

Since my throat was a little sore, I decided to get some hot tea. I let it cool while I sat. Apparently I didn't let it sit long enough though. My mouth is still feeling the effects of that first drink. There were visible raw spots on my tongue. It is OK. It is Ok. I thought just as I found myself laughing at my misfortune with a slight eye twitch.

Really believing it was no big deal I waited right up until Starbuck's closed for Whitney to get out there. That equaled about an hour and a half. So we began our treck for food. She asked me if Subway sounded OK. I said yeah. Unbeknownst to us, but knownst to the store, they would be closed when we got there. After walking all the way back to Safeway we got dinner and then proceeded back to Whit's.

The next morning my bus home would leave at 10:46. Oh, wait! They were just kidding. It actually left at 10:42. Guess who misses the bus? And then guess who is told to get on the wrong bus? And guess who ends Up in Terwilliger? Yep.

To make a long story short, instead of making one transfer I made four and instead of being home at 1:00 I was home at 3:00. All the buses were screwed up that day, at least if you planned your trip on Trimet. Oh yeah, by the by, the whole time all of this passed it managed to pour every time I was off the bus and let up every time I was on it...

I think the one thing that happened that was good was this: I got to speak with a street preacher and the bus driver that sees him every day. The preacher called everyone losers and told them that if they hardened their hearts now they were lost forever and that they may never hear the gospel again. I knew I needed to say something so I went and sat on the bench next to him where no one else dared to sit. I waited a little and then tried to speak with him about his methods through a story. To my dismay he had no wish to hear the message that is so important, only he wanted to sell his books to me, even though I already expressed I was a follower of Christ. My bus pulled up and I knew I had done what I could without becoming spiteful. "Did he call you a loser?" the bus driver asked as I got on. So there began a pretty neat conversation about the message of Christ and Christ Himself.

Overall, I almost went crazy (ask my friends, that is no over exaggeration), whatever cold I had is now set into my lungs, I wasted almost and entire 24 hours, spent money I didn't have to, and burnt almost an entire layer of skin off of my tongue. But you know what? Not once the whole time did I get angry or frustrated (which is actually kinda normal) and I was able to speak with some new people.

In the end, this is what I believe God was reminding me of: Even when I call you places, wait for My direction when you arrive. Keep finding joy in the little things when the storm is raging and continue to trust me in your trial. I know it seems as though everything in your life is like these past couple of days right now, but I will always get you home and find you rest. Rest in Me always.

For those of you that were curious, that was my eventful past couple of days. May God keep your life simpler than mine is at the present. ; )

Changing of Tides

A moment ago I was delving into a controversial piece of scripture, blogging to my heart's content about things so interesting and so life-changing. Suddenly the Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare played. My Mom was calling. I thought, "Yes, Mom, I am off at 3:00. You don't need to call just to make sure. I would have called if it would have changed...", as is the common routine. Right on cue she asks when I am off and says something I cannot understand. My phone was dying so I told her I would just talk to her when she gets here. Then she asks me if I had heard about Dave. Dave is one of the worship leaders at the church I used to attend with my parents. He loves his hymns, but tries to be hip with new contemporary songs from 7 or 8 years ago despite his deaf ear and difficult time keeping a beat. We always picked on Dave because of the way he held out his "s's" in his seemingly overzealous prayers and made everything sound so meaningful and maybe almost painful in a way. His heart is always with the Lord, though. He is so loving and I have always admired his devotion, even if I did snicker at the jokes.
Have I heard about Dave...? No. No, I have not. What about Dave? Dave was hit on his bike. My own arm and neck tingled as my Mother explained he was in OHSU in critical condition, his arm and neck broken. My automatic response to visit was shut down as they are allowing no one but family in. Stupid critical status. I was tempted to cuss there...Maybe incredulous works better.
You never know what can happen. Or at least so says my Mom. I just can't picture it. Dave hurt? Health-conciouss-everybody-can't- help-but-get-along-with-because-he-is-just-too-good-of-a-person Dave? dave I just saw visiting worship practice and choir? Not in a hospital bed. Not in critical condition. Not being able to visit. Ugh....This one might take a while to sink in.

Debauchery: A Powerful Word

Ephesians 5:1-21 says:

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Can this be any more incredibly against today's lifestyle? We are to have nothing to do with drunkenness, greed, obscenity (yes, that includes language), foolishness, and especially should run from sexual immorality. These things are of the darkness and we are not in them any longer. We are the light in the Lord. It is our calling to be filled with the Spirit and give praise and thanks, encouraging one another in Christ. If we do not do these things we have no inheritance in the Kingdom of God.

Deny yourself sensual pleasures. Simply deny yourself. Pick up your cross and follow Christ. He is the only way, the truth, and the life. I implore you in this time where the Church is no longer focused on truth but on their own comfort, follow Christ no matter how painful. Suffer and find life abundant. Lose everything so you might find it.

The definition of debauchery is this: "extreme indulgence in sensual pleasures; dissipation". While alcohol is a massive peice of this, it might do us good to look at it from other perspectives as well. All of the above mentioned "things of darkness" are self-indulgent. So shouldn't we run? I will run. I want to live in complete submission to Christ and be close to those who are the same. I want to be a child of light having fruit that consists in all good, righteousness and truth. I want to be filled with the Spirit. I want to die...

So that I might heal.

Transparency

I am sitting in one of my favorite places. It is over 60 acres of pasture where an older couple from my church so graciously allows me to keep my horse. On a clear day there is the most beautiful view of the mountain and the skies are so close you can almost touch them. The breeze always seems to be blowing, gently running its fingers over the tall grass. If I wasn't afraid of the spiders I would lay down and go to sleep.
Instead I sit here admiring the plumes of clouds. It seems the only blue among the gray and white is peeking out right above my head. I start to wonder. I think people can see strait through me. I have always desired to be honest and have integrity. So why is it so hard for me to see others in the same light? If they can see through me why can I not see straight through them. Sure God speaks to me about others sometimes, but that is definitely not the norm... Interesting thought.
Why do the dandilions all seem to be circling me? The closest one is about 10 feet away. Why is that bird screaming so loudly? You would think the world was coming to an end.
My horse left me. Got bored with chewing on my hair and rubbing his lips all over my face. I might go follow him. Just the thought of sliding my hand over his soft fur sounds so good right now. I think I am craving touch. Odd.

What To Write, What To Write, Maybe A Little Rant?

After much deliberation in my recently scattered thoughts I have decided to write about marriage. It seems marriage is declining in this day and now the act of marrying another itself is being attacked. I know it really isn't a "new" thing but when I read this quote I about had heart failure. "There is no evidence in the gospels of a marriage ceremony between them{Jesus and Mary Magdeline}. Was, then, Jesus practicing an alternative lifestyle? Was this couple intimate without "benefit of marriage?" Until further evidence, it would appear to be the case." -Ron Mazur
What? What happened to innocent until proven guilty? And what? What?! Do you understand the implications of this? Marriage is an example of Christ and the Church! Marriage says a lot about commitment and is made before God! What the heck is the "benefit of marriage"? While I feel I should have more to say other than, "I think not," I cannot bring my thoughts to form any longer... Well, maybe one more thing.

As I understand it, marriage is a commitment you make to someone you love. You promise them before God you will never abandon them and will practice the kind of self-sacrificial and selfless love Christ displays for us. You promise to share the good and the bad, the sickness and health, the sad and the happy, and so on and so forth. You become to this significant other someone you can be absolutely intimate with in every way. They are someone who will come to know all of the things you wish no one knew and still love you anyway. They will encourage you when you are down and be ecstatic with you when you are up. So why would we pervert something that so obviously demonstrates Christ and the Church? Sure we suck at it and can't make it work right all the time, but is that a reason to trash it? Didn't Christ come to forgive us and give us the strength to carry on despite the hardships? Do you honestly believe it is OK to tell someone you will give not just your all, but Christ's all through you and then walk away saying "you tried"? Is it any better to not keep ourselves pure and be intimate with whomever we please at the time?
I think I am cooling off now.
In conclusion, marriage is God-given and should be respected... treasured. So stand up in a time when no one can keep their commitments. Stand on Christ and do what everyone is saying is impossible or should no longer be attempted. Because it will touch those around you. It will show the the Rock and Foundation who is God. And it will point the way to something we all need: Christ.

Ladies And Gentleman...

An assorted announcement from the crypt that is my brain:

I am on a Post-modernism kick. It seems all I hear about it are good things and so I would like to send some influence in the other direction. Send some flack at all the people who believe there really is no absolute truth. Hopefully they can coherently think long enough to understand where I am coming from.

(This Is The Place Where You Click To Go To Youtube To Watch A Good Video)

Before I finish, one more thing. It disgusts me to my innermost core something so obviously silly has become as rampant as this has. It preys on those struggling with doubt and those who need a rock to stand on. When they fall into this trap they are promised all and given nothing. Jesus is the only way to fulfillment and he did not come to please the masses. He came as a Savior. He came as a teller of the Absolute Truth that is God and to offer love and salvation to everyone. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." 2 Timothy 3:17
Jesus is not a social fad. His movement has always been the same."What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Ecclesiastes 1:9 So stop looking to change this earth. It is destined for destruction. Instead, look to Christ and keep His commands. Let Him use you to show others what is the truth: God's love and the Gospel of Christ.

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

Ecclesiastes 3: Part 1 A.K.A Seaweed Is Cool, Seaweed Is Fun...

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace


It is interesting as we travel into the summer months to see how people "feel the will to live again." After all the rain, depression, and storms the masses are ready to move in droves just based on one little thing: the rays of the sun. Being the disgustingly optimistic pessimist that I am (if you don't believe there is such a thing, dive into my brain for a day), I cannot help but wonder if anyone will actually acknowledge their rough Winter as they progress through the warmth. So far there have been two note-worthy attitudes. The first is: "I shall forget my Wintry prison and march forth into this new found light. No longer will anything harm this earthly body. I am invincible!" And the second is: "Why do anything but dwell on how horrendous my life has been? What should it mean, that beastly sun? Quick! Close the blinds...Ah! No! My eyes have been scorched by those merciless beams! It is too late for me, now. I will sulk some more in my infantile state." OK, that may be slightly extreme, but is it possible to find a balance? Can we not grab hold of the past? Might we learn from it and not dwell on it, flying forward on the wings of the Spirit knowing what we have and showing courage for what is to come? You know those Winter days will roll around just the same. They will come sweeping away all hope for a glorious future... unless we acquiesce to one thing: Christ is our Sun or, if you will, The Son. Even on those endless professedly God-forsaken chilling days He remains the warmth our souls and hearts need. He can awaken the numbness within creating life we never thought existed inside. He will unleash a courage, strength, and defiance through His grace that will conquer any monster, battle, or sin. Why not remember the storms in the summer? Why not take the beauty with us into the winter? There is a time and a teaching for it all. Let us not forget its relevance in our everyday "mundane" lives. Let God make something greater for you. Let His will overcome you. Let His love transform you. Fly into the Winter with his beauty in hand.

Remember what plagued you in your depression? It has not left you. Nor will it until the day we are united with our Savior. But it will not poison you as long as you are in His arms. Find them and grab a hold. The time for cowardice is not here. The time for trust is upon us. Live every day to it's fullest “so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19

It's Beautiful...

I am not a huge fan of boy bands, but I heard a particular song a while back that struck me. The lyrics seemed to strike a chord in me I could not quite grasp. So I would sit and listen to it every so often. As I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes, I felt something real, almost tangible, inside. But the "almost" is what grabbed me. That "almost" ability to reach out and hold on to what was not quite physical tore me apart. Looking back, what I felt then cannot compare to what I experience now. For some reason in the words of this song I am inspired and calmed, lost and hopeful, awed and excited all at the same time. Tomorrow I know I will probably regret writing this, but for now I shall comply with my thoughts and write what has been plaguing and blessing my mind for the past day. This is a letter to someone special to me. Some may understand what I am saying, others could care less. Nonetheless, my letter remains.

Every night when I lay my head down to pray, I think of you. Not a day goes by when I do not hope you are wearing a smile on your face. I know God protects and blesses you always, and even though you may not see it, He is always holding your hand. Just look out to the sunset and you will see it. Gaze at the stars at night and you cannot deny His presence in your life. I have saved myself for you. Not a date or a kiss has been given, or ever will be given to another. I want you to know that no matter what you have done or what you feel, Christ can heal it and I will be there to hold you all the way. Even though we may be far apart now, someday we will be inseparable, bound by a love completely guided by the Father himself.' I wish that you would tell me how you know me well and want to be together', but I will wait as long as it takes to find you. You are my true love, always I will pray that I might remain faithful and worthy of your love. May God bless and keep you all your days and may He draw us closer every day...

It's Beautiful by Eleventyseven

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together
Fallen short and faded out
But You keep making gardens in this desert

Despite the grace that I dismissed
Forgiveness was the catalyst
To penetrate my heart with what is true

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful

Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted
I'm asking You to shape my heart
I want to be Your work of art
'Cause when You change me
And make me more like You

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful

So help me God forbid
I never take for granted
This endless gift You give

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful
It's beautiful

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together

Letting Go Of The Fear

Before Reading: If you are unfamiliar with the commitments I have made concerning dating and such, you might want to read the next blog first. It should make a little more sense that way. : )

Also: There is a song it has been years since I have heard that I heard recently. It depicts a very accurate picture of what I hope to hear from someone someday and what God has been teaching me to do. I will post the lyrics at the end of the blog and I encourage you to listen to it as well (listening while you read is even better). 'Tis a good song.

1 Corinthians 13

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

"The greatest of these is love." Love. It reaches farther than any hope or happiness we could dream of. So why is it we would search for a false love? Why would we lean on anything weaker than the Rock Himself? Could it be that in our insufficient humanness we would do exactly the opposite of what we are promised will fulfill us?

I myself have grown to live in great fear of being crushed. For a while I even began to question my commitment to court as a means of shelter from the pain of relationships. Yet through all the times I discouraged myself saying, "Don't even bother. You know they don't care..." I could not prevent myself from finding interest. No matter how hard I tried I continued to look for a way to heal my aching. There were a couple of nights I cried until I felt so numb all I did was lay there almost thoughtless. What had begun as a cry to God faded into a whisper barely passing my lips.

Things would come, causing me to hope and wonder if God was answering my prayer, but as usual I quickly found not only was I unable to share my pain with the other, they often did not share my focus or understand my commitment. So deeper I sank. Over these Winter months I began scraping for an answer even more than I ever thought I would. Striving to fall further into God and discover his will for me and find peace in Him, I reached a breaking point. For the first time in a long while I sat and poured my hear out to the Lord until there was nothing left. I cannot say I received peace, but what He was preparing me for was something I have hungered for as long as I can remember.

The Spirit had begun to move again in my life. It was so visible it changed my whole perspective once again. Excitement filled my heart to overflowing. That was when I was taught how I was to find peace: through honesty and forgiveness. By being honest about my feelings with not just myself but whoever I may have grown fond of it was possible for me to let my pain go into the hands of the Father, and by forgiving those who have hurt me in the past or will hurt me in the future. From there I gained a true understanding of what it meant to let God fill my emptiness in areas buried so deep I never thought I would see them resurrected. As quaint and stupid it may sound, committing a simple act with the absolute intention of leaving God preeminent, there was peace deep in my heart. Always will He be my strength and my courage when I fear pain the most.

Although I still long for someone to come to my side and take my hand, I know God will always be my fulfillment first and foremost. He is my peace and evermore will I stand strong in him.

She Cries by East West

Won't you come away with me tonight?
We can fly past the moon and the starlight.
It doesn't matter where you've been before
On a night like this
It doesn't matter where you've been before
I'll love you like this

Can't you see, I won't leave
But you have to open your eyes
Here I stand, take my hand
Let go of the fear that you hold

Don't throw your pearls to the swine tonight
Don't let them take your innocence
Just remember the times that I held your hand and kept you close
Remember the times I held you up and now

Can't you see, that I won't leave
But you have to open your eyes
Here I stand, take my hand
Let go of the fear you hold